A moment for day 13

I have been back in Minnesota for two days now and I will be going to North Dakota for the first time ever tomorrow. No one seems that excited by North Dakota, so I am interested to see what happens. I really wasn’t all that sure what to even put in this blog post, and didn’t write up a daily update yesterday for similar reasons. I am doing better than I was three days ago, I promise. But I feel like I have been doing less and less things.

I have been reading a lot. Like will probably finish another book tonight and am already a quarter of the way through another one. I just kind of have been getting up to feed Tikvah and then reading until lunch at which point I feed Tikvah. Then we drive wherever it is we are going. Upon arrival, I set up my little chair and table and then journal about whatever it was I was thinking about on the drive. Then I start reading until it is time to feed Tikvah again. I stopped listening to my podcasts as much and have only been listening to them at night, after dinner. It feels weird to listen to a podcast while sitting outside. It feel like my attention should be elsewhere. I always have Tiki to look at...

I don’t know how I did it but I settled into a cycle that is not ideal for the purposes of the trip. I had to hide myself and Tikvah at our last site so no yoga or tea for me, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to indulge, although there is a forecast for all day rain, so… I have been journaling still on the tree pose thing and just need to keep figuring out the right way to say things without sounding crazy, but let’s be honest these updates are really scatter-brained anyway so maybe I should just go ahead and write it up.

After yesterday’s belief post, I have been thinking a lot about what it is that I what to put into my thoughts, what I want to put my energy into. I really have no clue what to hope for. Which is a sad thing. I think it's a habit I built as a form of protection of sorts. If you hope for something, you can be disappointed. Which is true, but also a consequence of constantly being at the mercy of chance, so… I have to try and reconcile these feelings. I need to start hoping and really hoping. Selfishly hoping.

That’s my goal for tomorrow, I want to try and envision a future version of my life that I want to try and bring into reality. That may require some tea and maybe a run. It’s really scary to be hopeful. I assure you I am scared, but it is also necessary for any growth at all. No reason to grow if there is nothing you are reaching for.

Quick post. Quick words. Quick Goodbye.

Talk to you tomorrow.