I am going home tomorrow.
I am grieving the ending to this trip that I won’t get to have, but also I need to be back home. I want to wear different clothes, one that ants haven’t touched. I want to shower with all my special soaps and scrubs that I left behind. I want to lay in my bed. I want to go on a walk around my neighborhood. I want to see my friends. I want to start making and practicing all those routines.
I have had some time to think about the events that have become the end of this trip and I am reminded of some earlier blog posts. For those who know, my house in Steamboat was the last place I wanted to be before I took this trip, but in my first post from the trip I spoke of how much has happened to get me to where I was on day 1. Turns out, the same can be said for day 32. For me to voluntarily come back to steamboat instead of driving an extra 2 hours to go back to Golden is evidence of some invisible progress I have made. I thought this trip would be a lesson in independence, and in some ways it has, but in other ways it taught me that even if we can do it alone, we don’t have to and maybe we shouldn’t.
I also feel that there is a testing of my beliefs and significance in how unlikely and random yesterday was. “We are the result of unlikely outcomes, with the power to choose what is preferable, but always at the mercy of chance.” No matter how serene and at peace I was with the world yesterday, nothing I did was going to change the direction of the wind. I want desperately to search for meaning in this, but deep down, I know nothing will change if I find it. It was as natural as an unnatural sight could be and in the end that’s what I will come to accept.
I am sad that I am going home tomorrow, but I also know that it is what I need to do. Although,I don’t think it will be the end of the blog. There is still so much I have left to say. The notes in my phone filled with prompts I have yet to write, need to be written, just as much as I need to be able to drink tea without grappling with propane.
Thank you for those that have read these posts. Some of you have read them all, some only a few, but all of you made this matter. Again, just because we can do it alone does not mean we should. You all have taught me that.
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